I realise my negatively is flowing out of my mood and words, it's not a positive thing and I don't want to subject anyone to them. Since I don't have anything positive to say I'm probably going to be silent for a while, just the occasional favourite as I read your toots.
Thank you for putting up with me, and I hope a cheery me can be awoken eventually.
Watch "Wings | Animated Short Film | SVA Thesis" on YouTube
I needed this time away from everything, It feels like I'm barely hanging on, not even replying to people I normally like talking with.
If I don't respond to you it's not because I don't like you or don't care, I'm just lost or out of spoons. Try again later and hopefully I'll be in better shape.
I don't know what I don't know. And that's a lot.
I hope you're all well and find your own ways. And eventually I hope we meet again in cheerier times in a place where no shadows fall. 💚
Michigan, Nebraska, Wyoming, Oregon, Washington. Nice clean rest stops every hour or so.
Iowa. Clean and everywhere, but the stalls are so short you can see over while walking around
Utah. We have one, but the restrooms are out of order.
Nevada. Cheap rooms at casinos! What's a rest stop and why would anyone want one?
California. Haven't been cleaned in 22 years since the last balanced budget, and some don't have running water on Tuesdays. But we have them.
I can't exist in this world as a flower, from a seedling on I grow and learn but the time will come when it's time to blossom and find my own path.
So soon and yet the closeness makes every moment richer. It's af if I'm there already.
I've waited a long time, and I can be patient and wait a little longer still, time and space will wait as well.
The road is before me, and I cannot help but walk it. It will be a long journey, but only the final miles of a lifetime of steps.
I often wished I had more time here as I am, but I realised I've been stagnant for the last few years and that has been most of my problem.
I need to move, find new places and things, take risks, and explore.
My safe existence and normal lifespan aren't important. Sometimes survival is insufficient.
I will remain here for a time, but not as I was, I will be something new and growing and will find a path that never existed before to walk. I am unique, and I will remain unique.
Soon I will be on a journey to find myself again. I can promise I won't be the same when I get back, or even if I'll get back, but I will make progress by whatever positive means I can.
There are a few places left on this earth that inspire and motivate me, some are terribly scary, some are terribly beautiful, but I will try to exist in those places for a time and search for what is hidden.
Even knowing I can't return as I am now, I can't turn back. Some great divides must be crossed to grow.
@Oneironott That too is my hope. One of the few I can see in the near future.
If we can break that slave / master / freeman pattern I think we'll see a lot more creativity and general happiness. People will be free to find themselves and make their own path.
I wish it was like that today.
I can see my strengths I support others, I can give assistance when needed and a helping hand so often to people I've never met.
And for most of my life I lived alone and independent. There isn't much sadder than a support personality without anyone to support.
Seven years ago I found this supportive and friendly online community and my life flipped around, suddenly I had too many people to support, and my income couldn't keep up. I failed so many that I didn't have the ability to help.
For me, I feel like I'm too independent to function as a wage slave, my mind quickly breaks down and I can't maintain it, even in generally good conditions.
I also can't function as a master, I don't want to rule others or dictate anything, I am not a boss and I don't want to have people rely on me.
I want to be a freeman, be creative and work on my own schedule, but I never charge enough, or give everything away as people need it.
As far as capitalism goes I am a failure in every category.
I have started seeing people not only as unique individuals, but also general archetypes.
And seeing that in others allows me to see both in myself as well.
Sadly the capitalistic world shoves everyone into the same few roles, there is just wage slave, master, and freeman. It mostly works, but it's terrible for all but a few that happen to end up in the perfect space for their personality.
But I see so many more possibilities.
We follow common lines, but in a unique way to each of us.
Commission for http://twitter.com/MattieIceRS ! I am VERY proud of this one
There isn't enough time. In reality there never was enough time.
A week, a month, a decade. It's all over in a flash. Our memories fade and those that remember us fade too in time.
People will dig through our belongings, search our social media, and send us messages and hearts long after we're gone.
As we marched forward unfocused thinking we had all the time in the world. But it's always only a moment from ending.
Alone in a world full of life. Timeless in a world out of time.
My only sadness when that time comes is that you'll still be here, trapped in this place of light and noise and pain.
I can't bring you with me until it's your time, but I can be a beacon of hope for you to follow when that time does come.
In this world we aren't ourselves, but I still see some of you for what you really are, and you are beautiful. I look forward to when we're together again where we can be ourselves.
Learn and adapt. Find hope if you can, and find a way home.
Darkness, blackness, nothingness, it's like a hug of comfort.
It's the light that burns, the loud sounds of people and activity I turn away from.
I turn away from the light, back to the dark, back to not existing as I am, the comfort of slowing down until life barely registers, and then slowing even more.
A place without worry, a place without hope because hope isn't needed there. A place with real pure love that doesn't have a cost.
If you can't find me here, I'll be there.
Physically I'm getting older, financially I'm on the poverty baseline but stable, mentally I'm a shipwreck, spiritually I don't feel like I exist anymore.
Maybe I just need to take a break from reality, go sit on top of a high mountain for a few months surviving on nothing but dew from a leaf and the energy of the universe.
Perhaps not far from this reality, at least not as far from this reality as I desire.
Just tired. Perpetually exhausted trying to fight through this life.
I seek rest
I was thinking about why I feel so off in this place. Gender dysphoria is only about 10% to me, it's the species and wrong everything else about my body that's the other 90%.
It can't be fixed in a reasonable time frame. I know that now.
What to do with this knowledge I don't know. I can't be me here physically, and it's very difficult to be me mentally or spiritually either
I feel trapped in a cage that keeps getting smaller every day. Or maybe just the outside looks so much greener *Shrug*
Yawning, tired, sleepy my eyes close.
Then they open into a new world of wonder and beauty, of ideas and energy. A world that knows no bounds and has no known limits.
The dreaming world calls. Answer it.
One the dream is done and the life is lived you fall asleep only to wake up back here again. The dreams are still there, waiting for your return.
🌊 🌕 🐾
Beach City is our private beach-side sanctuary for close friends and awesome folks. We are various flavors of trans, queer, non-binary, polyamorous, disabled, furry, etc.